FattyMcFrowny
COUNTDOWN TO LAST DAY OF WORK: 5
Yes!
So, I started this stupid diet again. This is actually something personal, and something I'm trying to sort through, so talking about it might help.
I eat. A lot. And yeah, it's all well and good when people joke about it--because the jokes remind me that if I actually were fat, they wouldn't be joking about it. ....But recently, the jokes have stopped. That I don't like as much.
I find some sort of sick satisfaction in knowing people think I'm attractive. I don't know why I feel that need, because I am completely happy with myself as a person and could really give a shit what people think. I mean, at least I've always that I could give a shit about what people think. But maybe, maybe it's just not true. Maybe I'm totally full of crap and pretend that I am what I say I am when I'm really just this faded reflection of what I want to be. I don't like that. The fact that I don't know enough about myself to know whether or not I am who I say I am scares me. And yes, this all sounds extremely convoluted when put into words, but it's actually what I think. This flip-flop thinking is what comprises the majority of my thought process: I can contradict everything I think with something else, so that in the end, I am completely neutral, and have not moved anywhere except to a place where I have spent a lot of wasted time dwelling on something that's not going to be important in the end anyway. ...so I wish I knew more about myself, and more about the world. It's frustrating. I know absolutely nothing.
....so I totally got off track with what I actually wanted to say..... I eat a lot. And I eat simply because it makes me happy. I mean, it's seriously like a drug to me. I'm addicted to food (a good thing as it keeps you ALIVE, but I take it further); It's just something to do. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm happy, I EAT. There are just so few things that someone with my kind of lifestyle can do with pleasure but eat. But is boredom then to what this relates back? Do I eat because I'm bored with my life? Possibly, but I think it actually stems from this natural insecurity that is hidden really deep somewhere inside me. I've learned to live with a mask to the world, that says that I'm outgoing, and secure, and I don't give a shit about other's opinions, but when it really comes down to it, I have absolutely no security and am basically completely helpless. I can't do anything myself. ANYTHING. I need constant approval from those who I love, and constant advice, and constant handholding, and everything. I just cannot do anything by myself. So I eat because it fills this void that exists when others aren't there, and somehow I think that it will give me all of these answers when there aren't people there to do that for me (I've never thought about this before, but I realize as I say it that it's all true).
But what's weird about all of this is that I know I'm totally stubborn as well, and refuse to get help when I actually need it...my willpower is intensely strong and steadfast to the point of being annoying. If I want something really badly, I will not stop until I get it. So then why am I so insecure deep down? It doesn't make sense. And furthermore, because I'm so insecure inside and with such a hard exterior, I run the risk of really hurting myself and thinking that it's okay because I believe I would get help if I actually needed it. But I don't know if that's true. If I were really sick, I probably wouldn't ask for help, because I would have talked myself into the fact that I could handle it by myself. So when is it okay to ask for help, and when is it not? All I ever do is ask questions, because I thought that no questions were ever stupid--but at this point, the extent of mine must be.
So I'm starting this diet again to prove to myself that I can do it, and to be happy with my body for me. And, you know, if people think I'm more attractive then, then our society just proves itself again to be amazingly shallow and I prove myself to be a product of it. I miss cookies already.
...Man, I'm going to regret this post....
3 Comments:
Sarah says:
1. Maybe the jokes have stopped because people have realized that it's lame and hurtful.
2. You can do PLENTY of things by yourself. Like curse Steve in Spanish.
3. You do not eat because you are insecure. You eat because you have a compulsive and spoiling East Coast Jewish mother.
4. Just because you don't like the way you eat doesn't mean you have to go on a diet. Maybe you can just make the changes for for your future, instead of trying retroactively to change things that are already done.
5. I promise that you are fabulous and that everyone loves you. Probably even Saddam. Probably especially Saddam.
why the fuck are you on a diet? you look great!
Listen Chubs, honest to God, you are the fattest person I know, and I would still do you. No joke. Wanna make out? ;) On a more serious note, not that I was kidding before, I wasn't, but you prolly have stopped getting fatty jokes because you're not hanging around the whole gang at school anymore where things like fat jokes are funny. Now you're just hanging out with your real friends, the ones you've kept in touch with, and we have more important things to say to you than asking you to sit at a different table because your fat's taking over the planet. Don't worry about not knowing things about the world or yourself, you're 18, have lived only at home, have been surrounded by the same boring people, and aren't Indian, so of course you feel disoriented. Duh. Self-affirmation and confidence will come soon, probably when you start dating some gorgeous rugby-playing, english-accented model in college. ;) And I know you didn't write this post fishing for compliments, but you deserve them so I'm saying this: you're gorgeous, you're an amazing friend, you're someone people are drawn to and want to spend time with, you're inadvertently sexy which is the coolest kind, and you can appreciate the um culinary arts. Mmmmm, food. So, I love you, and call me soon about that make-out session. Peace n love girl!
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